[Charles]

I’m a 19-year-old lad looking for a bit of advice on choosing a partner. (Just for reference, I already have a girlfriend; I’m just curious.)

I’ve got £15k, and I want to continue saving and investing to accumulate enough money to retire well before 65. I’ve heard older people advise against marrying someone who is an avid spender, among other things.

Also, what advice does everyone have on getting married? Because I know many men go through divorces in their 40s and 50s, having to restart their lives due to losing 70% of their money to their partner. I understand that prenups aren’t legally binding in the UK.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Zoie]

While financial alignment is important in a relationship and marriage, be careful for your relationship not to become nothing more than a business transaction.

My ex partner was a very wealthy man, successful in business and investment. He never really allowed me close because I was only just learning having come from a very different walk in life. He had been divorced but was still infatuated with his ex wife and they ended up having an affair behind my back and are now back together.

He’s never been so unhappy, and admits that their entire marriage was little more than transactional, for status, financial decisions and alignment. He pushed aside love, feelings, emotional growth all for the “right partner” financially.

Don’t miss: I am a 27 old who needs to start investing

[Christian]

Offshore your money in a country with no extradition agreement in yours.

[Marry]

IMO it’s way too hard to find a spouse at age 19 without having a 70% divorce rate against your odds. 70% of my friends that married in their 20s divorced and remarried in their 30s to someone that was a better fit.

Figure out yourself first then look for someone with shared interests, goals, spending habits, etc. Even then it’s a coin toss between growing and maturing together in the same direction or growing apart.

If you do get married, encourage your spouse to be your equal in terms of spending, investing, household responsibilities, retirement savings, etc. Generally, if a relationship was equal, you’ll each walk away with equal shares of everything.

[Kimberly]

I would read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, and maybe Invisible Women by Caroline Perez (if you like data) before choosing a partner. If you can understand women and what they go through that empathy will help you tremendously in creating a successful marriage. Based on some of your comments I think you could spend some time in their shoes.

Understand that she isn’t taking 70% of your income. She earned it by doing all the household labor men expect, but don’t value.

Explore these too: Do married couples have a joint will or two separate wills?

[Jeff]

I’ve been with my wife since we were both 18 (29 yrs). The most important thing is to make sure you both share the same values.

She can and will change over time. So if she’s a spender today doesn’t mean she can’t change. I’ve seen both my wife and mother in law change in this aspect.

If she’s a happy, loving, and caring woman that you can see as a good mother then she’s the one.

[Susie]

I wouldn’t get married before 30 or at the very least 25 when your brain is matured. Make sure you understand your own values, what you want your life to look like and then choose someone who wants the same. Don’t ignore red flags.

Be wary taking relationship advice from anyone who tells you they lost more than 50% of their money in a divorce. It’s good to explore your feelings about gender roles and what you want your partnership to look like as well.

Also, check out: Talk to me about marriage and Prenups please

[Michele]

Your brain isn’t fully formed until 25. Magically things become clearer and make more sense. Wait until then to make big partner decisions, you will definitely have a different perspective then.

[Kim]

These comments are interesting. Lots of marriage counseling going on and tales of bitter divorces, I see. All good. I get it.
Spender & Spender = Broke.
Saver & Saver = Boring.
Spender & Saver = Balance.
Two important choices in life.

1. Who you have a relationship with.
2. What career path you choose.

Live your life. If you want a relationship, don’t force it into a perfect box. Enjoy the journey. And if it all blows up, that’s what was supposed to happen.

[Stefan]

Find someone with the same goals as you and actually follows through with them.

[Nita]

My thoughts as a woman who got divorced:
1. Spend time getting to know yourself first before you move in/get in a serious relationship. You need to know what you want, who you are, what your values are to pick a partner who is right for you.
2. Become enough of a man to be aware of your weaknesses, childhood trauma, etc that you are bringing into a relationship so you can work on it. Make sure you have a partner who is willing to do the same.
3. Communicate and be open to constructive criticism.
4. Understand what emotional labour is and make sure you are doing your share in a relationship.
5. Have open conversations about your values (including around money) to make sure you’re on the same page.
6. Choose a partner who above all is an independent person of integrity, even under duress. Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, and that’s ok. If you are both people of integrity and care about each other, you should be able to divorce without screwing each other over.

[Conner]

There are some incompatibilities you can compromise on and others you can’t.

Favorite cuisine? Just alternate. No problem.

Hiker vs gamer? You have alone time and other friends.

Differing on wanting kids? Not gonna work out.

Different financial goals? It’s going to cause issues.

In general, any strongly differing desires for the future cannot be counted on to work themselves out.

A less talked about one is mismatched libido. It’s especially problematic because you don’t learn it’s an issue until you’re already together for a while. It can lead to resentment and insecurity and there just isn’t a good way to resolve it.

Bad communicator? There will be some other problem that is easily resolved but you won’t know about it until it’s too late.

There are a LOT of ways for things to go bad and it takes effort to avoid them. If you’re looking for a life partner, you need to always be asking if the compromises you’re making are ones you’re willing to make for the rest of your life.

I expect to be with my partner the rest of my life and that means I’m going to make some sacrifices (her mother being the biggest) and I am very comfortable in my assessment that they are well worth it to me. I can only be this confident because we do want so many of the same things for our future.

Love is wonderful but real life will always try to get in the way unless you make sure it has no avenue to do so.

[Author]

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