[USER]

I think I have a problem.
I think I value money over my own self worth.
I’m so engrained in the FI lifestyle that I stay in poor relationships and social situations because they save me money.

I’m not happy in my romantic relationship, but I’ve stayed because he pays for me to go on trips, hence I get free vacations which is money I can save to save up for FI. And sometimes free food, gifts, etc.

I’m unhappy in my living situation because I’m living with 2 people who I dislike, but I am saving so much money sharing a house with 2 other people, even though I’m unhappy every day.

It seems something is wrong with me in that Im valuing money, and Im so, I feel in a way, “brainwashed” by this FI mindset that I put money and FI in front of my own happiness.

I’ve been scared to exit out of either situation because I know my life will become much more expensive.

Anyone else?

[Stacey]

If sounds like you’ve had a lot of opportunity to save money since you’ve gotten free things. Are you in a financial position to move?

I don’t think there is enough money or free things that should take precedence over your peace.

Re-evaluate your situation and do what makes you happy. Can I also suggest reading Boundaries
by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Good luck!!
Your mental wellbeing is so much more important…. more than any money you’ll ever accumulate.

[Lisa]

I have always thought of FI as the get out of jail free card, the ability to jump ship if you don’t like your situation because you have a healthy emergency fund and can handle things on your own if that makes you happier.

[Gretchen]

This is such an astute self-awareness: please give yourself props for realizing it.

So much of becoming FI is about sacrificing now for a future of freedom. It’s a very individual decision where the dividing line is.

It sounds like you’re on the verge of a readjustment.

It’s good to raise your standards along the way, even in relationships.

[Henry]

Stop attempting to chase happiness. It’s the pink elephant. The unattainable goal. Happiness is simply a bi-product of hard work and goal achievement.

Find yourself goals that aren’t finance-related to strive for.

You’ll find that more satisfying than any number on a spreadsheet.

[Dawn]

The whole reason I pursue FI is for freedom. You’re imprisoning yourself in other ways to be FI. Break up and find a different generous boyfriend.

Move out and look for new roommates.

Having the finances to back you up allows you to take these risks because if they don’t work out you’ll still be financially ok.

If they do work out, you’ll have a better boyfriend and roommates you do like. Or maybe no roommates at all!

[LeAnna]

I used to be the same. Then in 2018 I was in ICU for 9 days and almost died. I was 47. I left my crappy marriage, moved then met a great man.

We don’t have money saved like I used to but I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

It’s been 5 years and married 1.5 years. I just decided I would rather be happy than stressed out and unhappy just for money!

[Heidi]

You are not in this same situation but when I was living in an unsafe situation with my husband at the time who was on steroids, my gym owner told me you will either stay for the money or leave and finally feel safe.

I know this is over simplifying the issue so much but I needed someone to tell me that.

I was always looking for an escape route because it got so unsafe.

I thought we were fine financially but once the divorce started, I realized we were in a ton of debt.

So anyway, that was 10+ years ago and no, I cannot say I have all of this money now because it isn’t true.

I am debt-free after tons of hard work and multiple jobs, but I am happy here with my older apartment, older car, and older phone. Not saying you have to live like me.

Please – if you have the means to – enjoy! But just saying no one can put a price tag on my peace these days.

I just realized the other day I love staying home in my little igloo and I’m not trying to run away from my life like I did for so long.

It may not be easy in the financial realm – I don’t know your situation – but not having to walk on eggshells.

Not hating every holiday when he refused to come or when we went on vacation and he refused to do anything so I drove myself to get breakfast and just get out.

I promise that peace is worth it or at least I find it to be in my situation despite the hardships.

[Lisa]

I don’t have anything really of value to add here. But there was a famous FIRE couple who came onto Remit Sethi’s show.

They have already achieved FIRE and have admitted that one time, they added like 20 hours of lay over to save $20. When Remit asked about their “Rich Life” (meaning what’s the dream lifestyle when they had enough money).

They couldn’t answer the question.

I think the question you need to ask is “why are you in this lifestyle?” What does your end game look like?

It all needs to point to a goal. You’re in a hamster wheel without a goal so you’re just going and going.

That’s not healthy even without all the stuff you’re mentioning.

[Sofia]

I remind myself sometimes that while it’s important to save for future me, I shouldn’t feel guilty for spending on things that make current me not miserable.

For example, my rent is high but I value my peace and space that I spend 90%+ of my time in and I think it’s worth the extra money.

The whole point of having money is not just to have it or to stash it and put yourself in situations that are unbearable, but it’s to allow you to live a life that aligns with your values and allow you to get out of a bad relationship, toxic work environment, bad living situation etc.

It’s not just about retirement.

[Julia]

I don’t think it’s just the money, you might be scared of a change in general.

For example, nothing prevents you to continue to save money by renting with other people but simply change the people you are renting with. Rent a home in your name then screen other roommates.

There might be a higher initial upfront cost, but you might save even more long term if you price their room rents higher than 30% for the hassle of you managing the whole thing.

I’d dig a bit deeper into what truly gives you a pause.

[Paula]

You deserve happiness. It’ll be worth every penny you spend being by yourself for awhile.

[Lynne]

The way I see it. This process allows to to do things afford things I normally could not.

I don’t depend on anyone to pay for my lifestyle

[Toshia]

Maybe you’ve just outgrown this phase of your life and you just need help seeing what’s next. Whatever the situation, lots of people stay where they are because they can’t yet visualize other possibilities.

Allow yourself to dream & fantasize. Spend time with an art therapist. Date yourself.

Go to open houses and really imagine yourself living there – all the details.

A romantic relationship with someone you don’t want to be with for some vacations probably isn’t that great of a financial return.

Think of how much money you spend on this relationship- it’s probably more than you’re realizing.

[Carrie]

So, it sounds like you went all in but never defined an end goal to the accumulation phase. I suggest you sit down and write a plan to get room mate free and maybe boy friend free.

Miserable
Living situations taint everything.

[Lori]

Who are you saving that money for? Enjoy your life. Change both scenarios at sun up tomorrow. Life is short.

[Kerri]

Therapy. It would be beneficial to continue digging into why you’re afraid to make the changes you mentioned.

Now that you’ve realized this about your boyfriend though, please, let them off the hook now while you continue to try to figure things out.

Maybe realizing that you have the ability to pay for the “perks” he was providing will give you the confidence to move forward with changing your living situation to something that you’re happier with.

[Ashley]

I feel this so much. I was living with our family of 4 in a clutter-filled 650sq ft apt to save save save, but was so miserable coming home to it (not the people) every day.

We also had terrible people living above us.

We just bought a house and can’t save nearly as much each month as before, but I’m so much happier.

It’s a complete 180!
Happiness and peace is worth moving on. You’ve saved up this much so far, treat yourself a little and move out. Life is short.

[John]

You could just as easy share a place with two people you like. Buy a large house with many bedrooms and be choosey about to whom you lease each bedroom.

[Atti]

Girl,same. But what you’re sacrificing in the name of FIRE is actually opportunity cost…

When I stayed with my ex because he paid the rent and drove me around and saved me uber/misc costs, I was actually paying in opportunity cost and being held back by his unwillingness to level up in his career, save money, and plan for the future in general.

When I left him I was finally free to move to a city I actually liked for a new job that more than doubled my annual salary.

When I got to that new city, I had 2 terrible roommates (literally, they were secretly sleeping together and I ended up living in a third wheel nightmare) and saved $$$ on rent every month, but I was actually paying in opportunity cost – my living situation took up so much emotional and mental bandwidth I didn’t have time/energy to pursue some very lucrative side hustles that I now can have.

When I moved out on my own, I couldn’t believe how much extra mental

space and energy I had to work on my own shit, and that side hustle money immediately made up for the extra rent I was paying.

Hang in there – incremental change is the path to greatness!

[Author]

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