[USER]

My father made extremely unsafe financial decision to upgrade to a new house on a 30-year mortgage in a high COL area with only 10 good working years remaining, if that.

It was a stupid decision then (2 years ago) and I tried to stop him. But now with the interest rate hikes, he is struggling to pay his monthly payments, working overtime, and currently only keeping up with interest payments and putting change down on the principal.

Basically, he is paying stupid expensive rent on a house he could not afford to begin with. He and his wife just refinanced their already minimal savings into this sinkhole.

My dad comes from a family of gamblers and failed businesses. He became trapped in the “more is more” lifestyle and is filling the void with material things to show off to his family and friends.

I feel so much pity for him that he did not have a good role model in his life, and simultaneously baffled at how I was raised by him because I am the opposite. I finally started my career in medicine after years of training and looking forward to enjoying the fruits of upward social mobility and wealth my family has never seen. However, I feel my father’s poor decisions will keep me chained in the generational suffering that I thought I finally escaped.

I know most here will say that his poor decisions are not my responsibility. And I want to see it that way. But as first generation immigrants, he has sacrificed literally everything for me to get to where I am and we are from a culture that upholds multigenerational support systems.

Unfortunately, my sibling does not have high income career, so the burden will fall squarely on me. I cannot fathom enjoying a good quality of life when he is struggling. At the same time, my job is extremely hard and I want to work as much/as little as I want, and looking to start my own family in the foreseeable.

I am not sure what to do. He didn’t listen to me 2 years ago and I am not sure if it is too late for him to do anything about this. He has lost so much money in this purchase and I am not sure that he has ANY retirement savings. If anyone has been in a similar situation, I would love any advice.

[Jessica]

If his mentality is “more is more”, buying out the home won’t matter. Taking away that burden will just allow him to dig another hole for himself. He will buy something else he can’t afford then come running to you asking for more money when he can’t afford it.

No one wants to see their parents struggle after everything they’ve done for us but unfortunately it’s the time to think about your own family that you want to start in the future. You can’t set up your own family for success when your parents are a financial burden.

You can prepare to help them in the future by having a place w/ an extra room or ADU (if you can afford it and don’t mind them living w/ you).

But I’ve seen from my own family that helping someone buy out their debt doesn’t go anywhere.

They instantly go and dig another hole of debt for themselves because their mentality doesn’t change.

[Zach]

Maybe I missed something….but I don’t think your father failing traps you in generational poverty?

(Unless you were planning on not being responsible and just waiting on an inheritance to become financially free).

My parents are horrible with money, yet I’m going to become financially free irregardless. IDGAF

Don’t miss: It seems like an opportunity to have our first rental home

[Melody]

He sacrificed everything for you now it’s your turn to return the favor. Not forever, but in a fashion that keeps a roof over his head and food on the table.

The suggestion of buying him out might be the answer.

Good luck and please let us know how it works out.

[Angela]

I think the answer has revealed itself. Your Dad wants his autonomy and independence at this time in his life. Let him have it. Let him fail or succeed.

But prepare to have a space for him when all other options falter, perhaps an in-law suite.

In this way you grant him respect now and grace later.

[Jie]

My suggestion on family member like this is to let him fail or default if he eventually cannot make enough payment. Suggest him to sell the house and downgrade/downsize when he still can.

If you bail him out, this will be just the beginning and bad example for your other siblings to follow…

Suggested: Looking for ways to make money from home

[Hailey]

Yep, been there done that with my dad and brother on a much smaller scale. Don’t step in. That only enables more bad behavior. Wait for him to fail and offer him a home (if you can afford to) that’s safe, clean, and affordable to live in, if you must.

However, my brother stopped asking for help when I told him I couldn’t continue to bail him out. He was pissed, but he got over it, and, guess what? He found someone else to mooch off of. He’s every bit capable of pulling himself up by his bootstraps, just like I did, and I am the baby of the family.

You can’t, and shouldn’t enable these people, because they’ll drain you emotionally and financially. What you CAN do is let them fail, and see what they do with it. They tend to be extremely resourceful, which is crazy, but they’ll never be like you, so stop feeling guilty for having good sense and values.

There will come a time, as your dad ages, when he literally won’t be able to help himself, and you can help then, but in somewhat modest ways. If you buy a house for him, then it’s in YOUR NAME, and of YOUR choosing. He doesn’t get to manipulate you in that choice.

As for the guilt you feel, it will always be there, and you will always wish they were different, BUT that’s not your fault, nor your problem, because people choose their own paths. You can’t change him any more than you can change anyone else. You can only love him and quietly support him from a distance, and not let him take advantage of you, because he most certainly will.

[Michelle]

I relate to this so much, following as well. When ask to take out loans in my name, I refused and set boundaries. I do feel guilty but i also can’t sacrifice everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I agree it’s so hard to watch.

[Jeremy]

If he purchased the home 2 years ago, mortgage interest rates were at an all time low.

Not sure how today’s high interest rates are affecting his mortgage payment, which makes me question the overall accuracy of the rest of the scenario.

Also, check out: I am trying to evaluate if I can pay off my 15 yrs house loan any sooner without refinancing it

[Araceli]

Same situation, but I have no words of advise. My mother passed away before it got too bad (economically speaking).

There were no medical bills as her passing was quick. The only thing I can say is that even if he made bad choices treat him with kindness for one day he will be gone and you want build a beautiful relationship that you will cherish for life. Do not fight with him when you see him. Do your best and God will reward you.

Your dad sacrificed everything for you and you will eventually enjoy your earnings.

God compensates those who help out their parents. Breath, breath.

[Nidia]

I grew up incredibly poor and am also a first generation immigrant.

We were in a sort of similar situation. Only it’s with my mom and most of her misfortune is not if her own doing. My father in my late teens decided to become a drug addict and my mom basically had to float the whole family on what little she made as a hospital housekeeper. She has always been good with money though and had great credit. I have always helped her when she needed it. She also bought a new house shortly after my dad died (very modest 100k home with a fixed mortgage) that they desperately needed because the other house was literally about to fall over.

However a few years later her mobility started getting bad and her job basically told her she was a liability. She was forced to take SS early. Because of this my husband and I basically pay her mortgage (it’s small). In exchange we have drawn up paperwork that states we will inherit the house free and clear when she passes. It’s located in a large city and in the short time she’s lived there it’s doubled in value. I forsee her neighborhood (Mexican neighborhood mostly) to eventually succumb to gentrification. We feel later on we might break even on it. But also it gives me comfort knowing my mom has a place to live. She during all this managed to save up 50k in a 401k that I manage for her now.

If I was you … I’d insist that the only way you could help is for them to sell their house and move into a modest home. They should also be very transparent with their financial situation. You have to set clear boundaries now that you are grown. If you just start shoveling money their way they will start to expect it. If they make a fuss just tell them flat out that their bad decisions are going to keep you poor.

[Christina]

What exactly are his terms? Did he buy at the height of the market and instead of getting a fixed rate, he stretched his budget for an ARM or interest only loan?

You said he still has 10 good working years, so why are you worried right now? Plenty of people move/downsize at retirement during a mortgage term and move on, so the 30-yr term is not an issue. When he can no longer afford paying for this house, have him sell it and move.

As for yourself, don’t allow a lifestyle creep and save aggressive now. My husband was burnt out after just 7 years into his career but luckily he saved aggressively and reached FI quickly and he plans to retire from medicine before reaching 15 years (it took him 17 years of education/training to get there).

You have to watch out for yourself first before you can help others, so don’t take on someone else’s problems.

[Author]

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