[USER]

I have been thinking to separate from my husband. We own a business together, have 2 kids (oldest 12 yo).

As we are getting closer to our Fire number (6 more years), and kids are getting older, I finally feel that it might be good time to start planning next steps.

Don’t want to go through lengthy expensive divorce.

My plan would be in the next few years: to sell our businesses, to move out but hopefully to live in the same building to support kids together.

We are not compatible as business partners, and I’m not happy with his level of participation and splitting our responsibilities between business and caring for home and kids.

I’m not ready to sell business now, it needs to be prepared to be sold and I’m the one who would need to do it.

I also want to take daily part in my kids’ lives. I just can’t piece everything together right now.

I appreciate any advice

[Kate]

What’s his view on all of this? Quite often men change their mind even if they say they will be peaceful, they may change and things won’t be as healthy.

I’ve experienced it myself and seen it working for family lawyer. If he switched his approach mid divorce, you may not retire at all.

Men generally don’t like when women leave. Given that he doesn’t participate the way you want, and I assume you brought your concerns to him, and he still didn’t change, means that he may not be as mature as you in that sense and therefore while feeling bitter he may do things.

I’ve only seen “healthy” divorces when couples were true partners and just fell out of love and it happens.

So, I guess my advice is to “hope for the best but prepare for the worst”.

[Rick]

Having been through a divorce with 2 kids under 12, my recommendation would be to make sure you have tried everything to improve things in your marriage before you take the divorce route.

If you take divorce off the table, there are thousands of ways to improve a relationship and to make changes.

Lots of people hit rough patches in a marriage, work on the marriage and then get past it to a far better place and end up finding blissful happiness again.

I don’t think your options are either to divorce OR stay miserable in a marriage for the kids.

You can improve it if you communicate and work together. All situations are differrent, but I, my ex, or our kids aren’t as happy as before now 10+ years after the divorce.

The grass isn’t always greener.

If you do decide to go down the path of divorce and you and your husband are 80% in alignment with what you want, using a mediator has advantages over an attorney.

It’s far less costly than a lawyer. Granted, our divorce was a decade ago, but I think it cost a total of $1400 using a mediator.

They work with the courts and handled writing and submitting the divorce decree and parenting plan. It was pretty easy.

On the parts where there were differences or we were stuck, the mediator was able to come up with some creative solutions that helped us meet our goals.

It was as positive of an experience as could be given the circumstances.

[Dawn]

People think they will get everything they want in a divorce. If the situation was perfect you wouldnt be considering leaving.

Divorce is all about compromise which means you get some things and you give some things.

You rarely feel 100% fulfilled. Amazing that it’s a lot like marriage!

I left my 17-year marriage in 2008. I felt it was best to keep my kids safe after years of trying many things.

We owned business too but I ran it. We used a mediator, which was great.

My now adult children have been affected more by my ex’s alcohol addiction than our divorce and they have a very limited relationship with him and are now starting to understand why we divorced but it has affected them.

At 23 and 29, neither have had serious relationships. It makes me sad.

Relationships aren’t always pretty.

[Malcolm]

You just extinguished your FIRE. Even amicably divorced, precious re$ource$ have to be expended to set up a duplicate home for you and the minor children.

You’ll be helping your Attorneys achieve FIRE though.

[Mary]

Try marriage without being business partners. It might be too much to be both.

[Briena]

You write that you are not compatible as business partners…but you are almost at your FIRE number. I encourage you to consider what your life with him would be like AFTER FIRE.

It sounds like your frustrations are primarily work/business related and secondarily home/childcare related. What if…you no longer work together? In 6 years, as you reach FIRE, wouldn’t you sell the business and retire anyway?

What if…your children have moved out? In 6 years…one of your children will likely have moved out.

What if…in the re-organization of your new life…is it possible that he would participate at a level that was satisfying to you?

It seems to me that you have worked hard together to get to this point…and now you are considering blowing it all up RIGHT AS the fruit of your years of sacrifice is nearly ripe for the picking.

I know some couples that don’t work well together when both are working and there are kids to take care.

But when you remove the stresses of work and kids…and add in some FI…they get along great! Could this be you?

[Stef]

Meet with a lawyer to understand your rights and responsibilities especially if he does not just go along with your plans.

[Ludmila]

After separation you will do everything on your own. Even if he is less involved it is better than nothing. Every time you think about divorse just imagine empty coach in place of your husband.

Also imagine you wont be able to see your kids when you want to.

If it is ‘father’s’ week then you can’t be there even if it is yours or theirs birthday.

Repeat this exercise several times. Keep in mind most man remarry after divorce but woman stay alone.

Also, you will have less “leverage” over your ex.

If he doesnt do what you want now it will get worse after divorce. Unfortunately, woman can do nothing if marriage is failing.

Man have some options. So my excercise is just to prepare, not to avoid divorce. When it comes to divorce be short and firm.

Just say you dont love him anymore and want to divorce. Repeat couple of times.

Dont do lenthy explanations especially in writing (emails, chats). Hire good mediator so both of you know everything divided “fairly”.

Do not try to have bigger share but do not give up things you entitled by law.

I would recommend to move to a state like Oregon before divorce.

You can get divorced in 1-2 months. In California you have to wait 6 months.

[Tom]

Sorry for your troubles. You have outlined your wishes but not your husbands. He would have to agree with all the details. 6 years is a long time and you will still have dependent children.

So much can happen in that time it would be impossible to plan for every contingency, bad feelings, new relationships, a sickness, how the kids are affected etc.

My advice would be to sell out as soon as possible divide up the assets, agree on child support, life insurance and visitation and get on with your life.

[Becky]

Divorce is a wrecking ball to a family. After going through my parents divorce there’s no way my husband and I will ever do that, and yes, we have talked about it so this is not just me saying this.

We’d both rather deal with our issues and work on our marriage.

Divorce has the potential to wreck your children’s relationships with each other and extended family.

It can lead to insecurity in future romantic relationships.

In my opinion, there are valid reasons for divorce such as adultery and abuse but in the vast majority of cases people just don’t like each other anymore, are unwilling to change, and end up more miserable after the fact. It’s not a quick fix.

It’s painful for everyone involved. I’m not going to debate anyone on this, there’s no way anyone can change my views on divorce.

It’s ugly and it’s miserable and it most often causes more problems than it fixes.

[Daryl]

I am two years into the divorce process with no end in sight, and you know what?

I am happier than ever, I have no regrets whatsoever, my kid is totally fine, AND I am killing it financially.

I know if I had stayed married to my ex I would be miserable right now.

Your financial picture may change, but do what feels right for you.

[Scott]

Every person I know that gets divorced ends up miserable and poor. I’d try to work it out.

[Author]

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