[USER]

Looking for insight from parents that have been down this path, FI related in the sense of helping a child have a secure future.

I have an 8th grader with ADHD who has no interest in medication, and I support their choice either way.

School / grades were never an issue prior to middle school as they are also very bright and school came easily before the responsibilities really increased last year.

Now grades are not awesome, and this is the last year grades don’t “count” towards future college prospects.

I generally put more emphasis on social / emotional skills and this kid has made huge growth in that area over the years, and is always working on that.

Rationally I know these skills are much more important for success and quality of life long term, however I can’t shake the nervousness of having a kid with not awesome grades, that it is closing doors for their future.

Just looking for some words of advice/ encouragement / reminders that grades are not everything when it comes to future stability/ success (or are they?).

I think this is mostly a me problem, help!

sincerely, recovering over-achiever

[Jeannie]

I am a professional academic strategist with 25 years of experience. My specialty is getting kids ages 12-18 through college debt-free and into jobs they love afterward.

With everything you have going on, please don’t worry so much about this.

These days, kids get into college or technical school—get through college or technical school—and get into great jobs they love without high grades.

Other things matter so much more.

Please focus on respect for teachers and others, and respect for himself, and being organized to the degree he can, and trying hard every day.

Love and best wishes to you and your family!

[Rick]

School is not built for most kids. It is build for average kids and those willing to become average.

I wouldn’t worry. Your kid at 15 is not your kid at 20 and 25.

Most of my college friends from a very hard engineering school were thought by their parents to be misfits at best.

Complete and utter $hit shows if their parents had a moment of honesty.

Let them figure it out. Try to guide them to the upper ends of what you see as their potential.

Then let them figure it out.

[Heather]

I have two thoughts from reading this.
1. There was a mom today who said her son graduated from an Ivy League school.

He went for a car inspection and gave the person his health insurance card.

So, no matter how intelligent you are you can’t fake common sense.

2. My oldest did not thrive in HS. She was accepted to a Penn State branch campus.

She thrived!!! She graduated early with two degrees.
What we do at one point in life does not define us.

[Brian]

Couple thoughts…. medication that a child takes or doesn’t take, should be the decision of the parents and doctor involved, not the child’s.

If the medicine is medically recommended and effective, hard to make a case against it.

Only about 1/3 of people in the US have a bachelor’s degree from a university. There are many other routes that can lead a person to a successful life.

I would argue though that the grades are reflective of other elements that matter a lot in life…

showing up, respecting authority, listening skills, discipline in reading/studying, working with others via group projects, etc.

[Stef]

If your child had impaired vision, would you support their decision to decline vision correction?

I would encourage your child to try meds. They are a game changer, even at a low dose.

[Stacey]

This *is* a you problem
Most colleges accept most kids. We all hear about the elites, or Big10, or whatever but there are lots of other choices.

Or maybe your child will choose a different path.

Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy this time.

[Erica]

People with ADHD have existed forever and went on to have happy, successful lives. I’m partnered to one of them!

His ability to hyperfocus and be creative has led him to an awesome and lucrative career Your daughter has a superpower.

It may not be the one that public schools grade well on, but ultimately in life, she will find her niche and strategies (my man has to wear headphones listening to music while he works!), and it will all work out!

[Kris]

Speaking from experience…..3 kids in college and my middle is profoundly dyslexic and has ADHD (and mood disorder).

Traditional school was hard for them but they wanted to stay to be with peers and sports etc.

had a low GPA and decided to go to community college, maintained a 4.0 and was accepted to all universities they applied to as a transfer student.

they will be graduating from university next month and plans for grad school.

[Kristin]

At that age, my son had to go through a period of sort of floundering in school before he was able to figure out a system that worked for him.

He has not found ADHD medication very helpful.

What made a big difference for him was finding a “why” to motivate him into figuring out what individualized systems allow him to do well in the classes he cares about.

That didn’t happen until he started enrolling in college classes in his last few years of high school.

It’s really tough, but it sounds like this is the age where kids have to figure out what their internal motivation is and we have to start stepping back as they figure out what works for them.

[Vanessa]

As someone with ADHD myself who basically failed in middle and high school and who is now a successful Analyst for the government please do not worry.

You child needs to find a job in something they are passionate about and that’s not always a job that requires a degree.

My son also has ADHD and I’m going to encourage him to try a few different jobs and job shadow in high school to see what he is interested in.

Once you child is interested in something your child will go all in and do the necessary work to become what they want to.

People with ADHD can often hyper focus on things and once your child finds that thing, they will be great at it.

[Michelle]

Sending lost of encouragement your way! I don’t have answers. I do have a young adult son with ADHD and HFAutism. We didn’t medicate and it was a struggle getting through high school.

He loves mechanics/cars and is always building something. He has a passion for aviation and is currently in flight school.

For right or wrong, we are trying to give him the space to grow at his own pace and explore his abilities.

Signed, Mom with a PhD freaked out by a non-academic path

[Cindy]

If they do community college then transfer to university, high school grades won’t matter.

And they’ll have had more time to develop their skills. Plus that route is much cheaper!

My daughter transferred into university with two associates degrees this fall and will be done with her BA next year.

It’s been fantastic!

[Tarah]

I graduated high school with a 1.8GPA, have a bachelors degree in music performance, and own my own business.

Grades aren’t everything.

[Cassandra]

I have a brother who had terrible grades and disliked everything about school and now he owns his own contracting business.

I have a nephew who was diagnosed with adhd, terrible in during k-12 and he found his way into being a fire fighter.

Grades are important to get into university but I don’t think they determine success.

[Michele]

We have generational ADHD and none of us are on medication. My grandfather didn’t learn how to read until college – my grandmother read all his textbooks to him and he had a long career of being a clergy.

His adhd benefited him since he has a curiosity of people and the world that made him super successful.

My dad didn’t do well through high school, got a sport scholarship to college and later got a PhD in neuroscience.

I did great in hs, almost failed out of college and found myself at Starbucks. Became a manager at 28 and now I’m a manger in finance.

There are so many ways to excel at life and learning. It just can take longer and have a different path.

It’s something that I’m very vocal about at work and I see many neurodivergent people not only do well but succeed in life.

Talk positively, help find interest that they are good at, and see if there is an executive functioning coach/therapist that can help with being on time and organized.

[Elizabeth]

Now is a good time to think about making sure the diagnosis is well-documented for college purposes. If it isn’t, get on a waiting list to have current assessments done before college…

I think the requirement is within the previous three years, and waiting lists run 18 months or longer.

Colleges have support services for students with disabilities, to help make sure they don’t fall through the cracks.

With the student’s permission, they send a generic letter to the student’s professors.

It is up to the student to learn to advocate for them selves if they need a particular accommodation in a particular class, which is tough if they don’t know what they are missing.

My son has gotten a few extra scholarships through that as well, gets help with writing assignments, and, starting with his upcoming 5th semester, I think he is actually going to register on time this time.

Grades can help with scholarships though…

[Ashley]

That’s my kid. Middle school started getting hard. 9th grade was an incredibly stressful year.

Thankfully a couple of peers who started meds touted the life changing effects and we are now on the path forward in 10th grade – private adhd testing, possible meds, and adhd coaching.

Looking back, I wish I would have at least insisted on an adhd coaching in 8th grade.

The stress had us also considering antidepressants because it got that bad.

I do fully believe that meds would have prevented the doors from closing that inevitably will because of a C and a couple of B’s.

It’s incredibly competitive now. And while I think there are awesome schools for everyone, you hate to see your kid not able to get into a school you know they could have if you had only stepped in earlier.

Loss of confidence and feeling like a failure is a heavy price to pay, and negates all the social/emotional strides.

[Tiffany]

We pulled our kid after 6th grade. Dove head first into UNCHOOLING. Not home schooling. Nothing formal.

He had to do a test to make sure learning was on the right trajectory, based on going into freshman year.

Tested college level on most things. Grade level for his lowest thing.
We had All the same worries.

But he’s smarter, has logic and is a cool human.

He’ll be fine. Your kid will be fine, too.

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