[USER]

Anyone here married to a ‘rich kid’? My husband’s family are well-off, which in my opinion has resulted in him lacking lifeskills, ie. cooking, cleaning, healthy eating, exercise, and even parenting. I also think it has led to a lack of resilience. My husband even told me once that he has never really had to work hard for anything or really persevere to achieve a goal. We have been married for a long time and I’ve brushed off these issues, but I see his attitude affecting our children. He’s not teaching any lifeskills, and my efforts to teach our children just result in me having to teach him too. It’s so exhausting! Any tips? ( I’m not getting divorced, but I do look forward to his weeks-long travel. I get so much more done). Ironically, he runs a business, but those skills do not transfer to the home front.

[Jennifer]

Seems like he has survived just fine in the world. Let him be… having a tougher childhood does not equate being a better person.

[Heidi]

Could also be weaponized incompetence!

[Roy]

One thing I know is You cannot change a person. You already know about this even before you marry him right? What is the main reason why you marry him? Why complain now?

[JN Chang]

I have rich friends and they have life skills and not much of these qualities you described… thus I think it’s result of his family education which means what you r doing now is very important! You r helping your kids to have more fun lives with some life skills. It’s a whole package! Promote it like a necessity, offer rewards, send them to good summer camps where they not only learn hobbies, sports but also taking care of themselves (ie resilience).

Use external activities to encourage and surround them with middle class kids so they learn to copy from their peers who know how to survive etc. they r fortunate to have a mom like you, so they learn how to live in different classes!

Who knows what their lives will become! In some cultures, any skill sets are considered talents, hobbies, interesting personalities etc. good luck!

[Alette]

Yes. I didn’t know (or cared) when I met him.

But it has made something difficult. He is turned 50 this year and still get pocket money from his father every month to pay bills.

He has a really good job and makes 30.000 more than me every month. But he doesn’t want to talk budget or share income (or information) he pays more on the budget (me:10-12.000; him 15-18.000)

but he has way more in pocket money than me me:2-4.000 him:8-12.000) which was a surprise for me.

Special when we had a baby I could see we didn’t put in the same.

I have come to realize he likes to “be the hero” and save our lifestyle when in need. (I would like to cut down on some cost, and pay of debt sooner, to have more “mental space”, but can’t and won’t do it alone)

[Carrie]

Sounds like you kinda have a negative view of money and “wealthy people.”

I don’t view any of the things you listed as being a result of growing up in a wealthy family or not. My husband grew up in a much poorer family than I and yet he too has many of the struggles you mentioned above.

He just wasn’t raised in a culture to expect much out of life, his family just let life happen to them as if it was completely out of their control. Until he met me, my husband had no concept of self-actualization.

I on the other hand grew up in a wealthier family in a very wealthy neighborhood. I was raised with the mindset that I could do whatever I wanted in life but doing so would require hard work and grit.

I was taught to dream big and then go out and make my dreams happen. I wasn’t coddled or spoiled by my parents (much less so than my husband was), I had to start working to pay for my own clothes and entertainment at age 14.

I also was given the freedom and independence to learn and grow and see how the world works – again something my husband never had because that wasn’t the culture where he grew up.

Another topic: Is it wise to max out my FSA for my son’s braces next year? How did you finance your kids’ orthodontic treatments?

[Jeremy]

Healthy communication? Don’t come off as nagging or out of the blue but rationally hear his side for how he feels and state your side. If he doesn’t care or want to hear your side then go based off that…

[Sonya]

This is something I look for in people I date – have they been through hard times and have they rebuilt successfully (their socio-economic background doesn’t matter here, I’ve seen this in men from wealthy and poor upbringings)? If they haven’t, and are adults (mid twenties and up) I would not want to stay, as it would be taking on too much risk. I would not trust them to be able to handle challenges. Granted, it’s super rare that people make it to their mid 20’s/30’s without having gone through anything challenging (family trauma, rough breakup, losing a job, death of a loved one, failed business venture, etc). If they haven’t experienced anything, it also shows me they are not able to take risks and grow, nor do they have a desire to grow. It’s a form of complacency. Personally, it turns me off.

If you have chosen to be with someone like this, and have chosen to have children with him, and do not wish to divorce, there’s not much to be done, it’s a bit late. You can tell him how you feel and what you need, but people don’t usually change just because someone asks them to.

You’ll need to decide if this is something that you can live with, and an example you are okay with your kids being exposed to. If not, you’ll have to either accept it or leave.

[Dave]

It doesn’t sound like you have to work and he is bringing in the money. If this is the case, you should choose your struggle because there are probably a million people that would like to have your problem.

Most people have to work and teach life skills.

[Annie]

You said – you look forward to his weeks away – you get so much more done – what do you mean by this exactly?

Originally, I thought you meant that when you take opportunities to teach the kids that he is also having ah hah moments. And thus learning from u also.

But… if u are talking about chores, responsibilities in the house or with the kids that would make ur day to day easier – that’s something he should be doing and if he hasn’t learned it at home he needs a crash course, less understanding and less excuses and do his part. Marriage / partnership is work. Kids are work. I’m not sure what’s happening at home… but hold him accountable. The week my partner is away I have more on my plate because we share household tasks. I find that relationships of all sorts of socio economic status do not have a partner that do their part.

There’s something about the expectation some people develop during their upbringing – despite money. And while you can’t change people… you can probably hold him more accountable. Perhaps you hadn’t when u first met and now with kids you want to. You should discuss that so that u can be happier with him. Or try to be.

Appropriate: Is there anything wrong with using SoFi for my kids’ new brokerage account?

[Alette]

If I could, I would hire someone to clean my house every 2 weeks and healthy meals boxes, so I don’t have to plan anything.

[Author]

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