[USER]

In laws are 63 and 65 respectively.
MIL (Mother In Law) recently lost her job (laid off) but has found a part time job earning $20 an hour and FIL (Father in Law) is planning to retire soon. MIL plans to work until she is able to earn money.

No idea how much their 401k or IRA balances are but the brokerage account is $70k-ish right now.

Their house is mortgaged but has less than 5 years before it’s fully paid off. Home value is around $500k

MIL spends like there’s no tomorrow on groceries, hair appointments, and gifts.

She also supports my brother in law, who hasn’t been earning income for the past 7 years.

FIL just has his head in the sand about their financial realty and can’t control the MIL.

I told my husband he will have to work until retirement age to support his family if this keeps up. Im not going to work longer than my FIRE number just so I can support them.

We have split finances.

He pays for the bills but we each maintain retirement accounts.

Is it reasonable for me to say I won’t support his family? MIL doesn’t listen to any of my tips and Bro in law doesn’t like the part time jobs I recommended him.

He thinks they’re all button pushing and “mindless” and I gave up. He prefers to be broke than to have a job different from his IT business that never found clients.

Are we SOL? If we sold their house for money, we can buy it, but they’ll have to move in with our family.

I don’t want that. Help!

[Carly]

Focus on you and no one else. Can’t make them do something they don’t want to.

[Jeff]

“he pays for the bills”. “I’m not going to work past my fire number”. And we wonder why men typically die earlier than their wives from stress related illnesses

[Toan]

Can your husband split bill expenses with you and he can use the remaining half to support his parents if needed?

[Kat]

We have a similar situation. But it’s my family. So, he has FIRED and I still work. Also, my parents have worked hard for years, and my brother works extremely hard.

My goals is to have financial in place so that their money needs are self contained.

Still working on it. I personally think family is family, but asking my spouse to pay for my family is asking a lot and it’s my burden to carry.

[Carolyn]

Save, Save, Save for YOUR retirement. Don’t project OR DISCUSS your future plans with ANYBODY, including the husband. Let the MIL, FIL and BIL fend for themselves in retirement.

If your retirement funds support JUST you that’s great but don’t support the spouse if he’s not contributing to the combined expenses of your household.

If he chooses to support his family after taking care of his share with you than that’s on him.

Keep your funds separate from your spouse anytime there’s an issue with a freeloader in their family, regardless of the relationship.

[Carol]

You’re a sahm? Does he also fund your retirement accounts? If you keep separate finances then let him do what he wants with his family especially if it’s his cultural norm and that’s what he wants.

If you want to do something different than make your own money and keep it to do what you want with.

I think though it’s really selfish to say I’m not working past your fire number when you currently work part time or a sahm and he pays all the bills.

I would think that when the kids are older then that’s your time to grow your talents and career and make financial contributions to the household.

[Jessica]

I’m sorry….You don’t have to pay bills and you are complaining about how someone else is spending their money?

[Denise]

Can they sell the house and move to a LOCLA and pay cash for a sub $250k house and invest the rest?

Get them outta your hair and give them. more options and then walk away.

Their decision at the end of the day.

[Anna]

I don’t understand why you would think either of you would have to support any of them? Did they indicate to you or him that they are expecting that?

If they spend down all of their money, that’s for them to figure it out, not you.

[Stacey]

No is a complete answer.
If your husband wants to continue to help, he should look into how co-dependency has affected his life.

This is no different than supporting an addict.
His mother is a spending addict.

And his brother definitely has some underlying issues. Addiction? Laziness? Mental health?

But even with separate finances at some point this will affect your marriage.

This will not be something you can completely wash your hands of.

[Mead]

For the last many years my parents lived on their very small social security using food stamps and in a govt assisted apartment.

I helped in so many ways but was not in a position to support them in the manner in which they had been accustomed.

I think that is a key in helping parents. It’s not your responsibility to support them in the manner of living of which they are accustomed.

You can help them by researching housing options, figuring out car repairs, helping with out of the ordinary expenses like dentures etc without feeling like you have to support them with full financial responsibility.

And really I say this after initially having my parents live in my rental home rent free for 10 yrs thinking the alternative was them moving in with me or make them homeless.

There are other alternatives. They might just not be your preference or theirs but then you have to count the cost.

I moved my parents from that large rental house that I now rent out for $1900 monthly into a two bedroom govt subsidized apartment and wish I had done it five years sooner.

The rent and utilities in the apt was less than utilities only at the house.

So, they paid less monthly and I got my rental home back. They had gotten to the point where they couldn’t take care of the very large house, and they had too much stuff.

The downsize made it way more manageable for me to help with because they couldn’t do it at all.

Don’t think the only options are you paying for them where they are or moving in with you.

While not ideal, our system has ways to help those that are indigent in old age…. At least for now.

[Kim]

You’re not responsible for their retirement. Hopefully they do have health insurance. They could downsize their home.

It sounds expensive to maintain and it seems as though they are content to support their son Who sounds like he has some depression /mental health issues and cannot hold a job?

Many are much worse off than they are. That $ could last a long time if they leave the US and choose to to live in a lower col area or country.

If they aren’t your parents I would leave it to your spouse to pick up those pieces .

[John]

This is not a direct answer because it’s not an easy question. You and your husband have to work this out. Be patient, remember it’s his Mother. But also, be honest.

Bring ideas to him, not them. Unified front is always the best way.

Good luck, I’m rooting for you both to work thru this.

Adding that all couples have things they have to come together on that are challenging and you guys can definitely get on the same page.

It may not be all the way where you or he want it to be and that’s OK in my opinion.

[Miranda]

If you start enabling now you will be enabling forever. Have you or your husband set down with them to review their income and their expenses to empower them to make a budget?

A lot of people have never put all of their standard expenses into a spreadsheet and compared it to their income.

It’s not a skill set they were taught.

There are also financial literacy classes offered by some banks.

[Stacy]

In a similar situation. And I will not be enabling my in-laws bad decisions. I’ve always been super clear with my husband about that.

Our money is 100% together. So that means, sadly for him, he won’t be either.

We’ve tried to help them budget…. We did finally get them on SS. They are 67 and 70! Why they didn’t do it years ago…

[Jenny]

If your husband is not paying their bills right now,, why assume he would be paying for his family in the future? You FIL and MIL would be collecting SS and their house would soon be paid off.

So, housing costs would go down. It’s none of your business how they spend their money as long as you are not supporting their lifestyle.

Let them figure it out and let your husband be the point person in dealing with his family.

[Scott]

At some point it will crash and the in laws will have to make do on whatever they have which is probably just their social security income.

Which I’m assuming they will both take at 62 and not maximize.

That could happen next month or maybe the in laws can be Costco greeter part time until their late 80s.

You can be proactive ie find low income housing and if need be pay for a bankruptcy lawyer if it comes to that.

I can’t answer if your view is reasonable or not it is between you and your husband and your priorities.

That’s a relationship issue not a financial issue.

[Joan]

Cross that bridge when you get here. We were in the same position. Finally parents passed. And brother was told he couldn’t come live here.

Lo and behold he is working at Target and supporting himself for the first time at 58.

[Misty]

Oh this was my MIL (FIL passed away) she made nothing on her real estate business and was living off social security until the day she died with less than $100 in her bank account.

You and your husband need to get on the same page.
After we saved my MIL from forclosure (7k needed by the next day for back taxes!) I took over her finances.

When it became clear she just resented me and didn’t follow the plan, I set a boundary.

I told my husband that was it. No more financial help from us and he agreed. We sat her down and told her …to which she responded “I don’t need your help”.

Until the next time she did and when we said no she laid a major guilt trip on us about not taking care of her.

So, the two of you have to be on the same page because this is gonna go bad REALLY FAST!

[Alicia]

I don’t really see how keeping financial accounts separate helps you though.

Even if he alone pays their bills, that’s less he will have to spend with your family together, go on vacations together, put towards retirement, eat out or whatever.

And if you divorce, all retirement accounts accrued during the marriage will be considered marital assets and split equally usually.

If I thought he might use our money to support his parents and it would seriously impact our finances, I’d probably get a post-nuptial signed (or divorce him but continue to live together).

Otherwise, whatever he does as your husband affects BOTH of you financially.

[Author]

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