[USER]

Need some advice….
Heading towards a divorce and I need all the things you wish you had done leading up to it.

This is not a salvageable relationship.

We have tried marraige counseling etc after I discovered infidelities last year and it’s not something I can get over after giving it a year of trying.

We have kids, 401k, Roth IRA, TSP, 6 rental properties and a primary residence together.

$20k in car loans as well as about $20k in credit cards I just found out about.

My spouse is the “bread winner” in the relationship.

We had three kids in 3.5 years and I stepped back from my career to take care of them.

As soon as my youngest was in school full time, I worked temporary full time jobs and continue to string part time jobs together.

We decided several years ago I would manage all of our properties (they are all purchased, renovated and rented out by me), and not take on a full time job I was offered.

My kids all play travel soccer and one is also in show choir so their schedules are super demanding and I handle all of that.

I guess I’m wanting to make sure I protect myself.

I don’t have the money and career of my spouse because I put our family first and can’t help but feel like I’m going to get screwed here.

I have a small savings account/a few certificates in my name but everything else is held jointly.

I want to spend the next several months preparing myself before I file and would love some advice on what to do.

Pay off debts? Leave them so my spouse has to carry at least half?

Pay off rental properties?

Just start stacking cash to be able to split in the end?

Is there like an order of operations for divorces??

[Jennifer]

Please talk to a family law attorney in your area. Pay for a consult, don’t clue in your spouse yet, and learn what likely outcomes may be in your case.

Each state has different laws (unless you have a prenup, you’re subject to state law).

You may be entitled to spousal support, sounds like likely child support as well.

Please consult the local attorney for the best info for your unique situation!

I’ve been there… it will get better, only way out is through.

[Kate]

You said TSP. His or yours? Military or civilian? If military, is he still active duty?

[Carri]

Do you have a prenup or postnup agreement? Are properties deeded in both names?

Same with mortgages?

One thing I wish I had done before divorcing is opening one or two credit cards in my name only.

It was tough for me to get credit for almost a year after, and it would have been helpful to have open lines of credit that only I could access.

Things I’m sure any good lawyer would cover: temporary alimony and child support, continued health insurance coverage for you and children, future educational costs (not just college)

Divorce sucks, for everyone, especially the kids, but you will get through it!

[Elizabeth]

I recently went through a divorce scare, so here’s my personal info. I froze my credit (that only works if you have your own credit cards).

Set up a separate email or secure your existing with new passwords.

Same with all electronic devices, change all log ins and passwords.

Start making copies of all documents, such as property deeds, car registrations, bank balances and account numbers.

Secure all these documents in a safe place.

Don’t rush to pay off any debts.

Meet with a few good local family law attorneys so you know what to expect.

So sorry you are going through it.

[Mark]

Talk to 3-4 different attorneys before you pick one. Also, if you are contributing to a 401k, reduce the amount to the company and take the extra money and save it for attorney fees.

[Brittany]

Talk to a divorce attorney- and a few for different ideas.
Anything you do now can and will benefit him.

So, take that into consideration before you take steps.

Start documenting everything

[Lisa]

Of course an attorney. But consider receiving a salary, fir the management of the rental units.

Property management companies cost money

[Isabel]

You can’t have an idea of what to do without knowing what the laws are – remember tho – you have a right to his retirement funds.

[Nicole]

Talk to a lawyer. You’ll want to go for alimony and child support. He may buy out some of that by giving you extra property or taking on extra debt, there are many ways to get creative in divorce.

[Andrew]

Talk to a good attorney on your state and figure out what your state allows

[Tony]

Be realistic. Don’t “go after them”. Then, the attorneys win. Mediation and then mediate again.

If the mediator says you or your spouse are being unrealistic, listen to them.

Start at 50/50 split and joint custody with child support.

If your state has calculators for support, use them.

You could try asking for zero of the debt, but counter with less from retirement accounts.

Even, but you get a clean slate to start.

I would try and keep half the rentals for you and half for spouse. Liquidating could also be a fresh start.

Other than that, it’s so hard to guess, until your spouse gets an attorney.

[Stef]

Consult with one or more good attorneys in your area ASAP. You will have to pay for a consultation and that’s normal.

I would store documents, pictures, heirlooms and other items you cannot easily replace safety off site where he cannot destroy them.

You need cash and credit that he cannot cut off your access to, enough to last you several months.

“Hope for the best but plan for the worst” you never know how someone is going to behave when you start doing things they seriously don’t like.

[Jennifer]

PS, When speaking in court, position yourself as the primary caregiver. & if it comes up, household manager.

Not simply “mom” or “stay at home mom.”

Primary caregiver is good terminology when talking about status quo continuing for kids, in regards to custody & home setup.

[Caroline]

Do not just settle for the perspective of one lawyer — also speak to other good (aggressive) attorneys in your area.

Once you choose one, before you agree to the final settlement/sign the settlement papers, get a 2nd opinion from another lawyer as to the reasonableness or fairness of the settlement for you.

Last thing, check on the tax implications of any proposed settlement before you agree.

[Debbie]

Two things I learned (also chronically cheating spouse w/no desire to change).

1. Not only would I not financially be in ruins, I am much better off financially after taking out the trash.

2. I had my home refinanced in my name only but through a credit check later, discovered my ex was still on the deed filed with the county.

**Make sure if you get the house to have your spouse sign a quick deed claim to actually remove them.

[Lisa]

Split everything 50/50 and get back to working full time unless he’s going to pay you to run these rentals as a business and pay you alimony to stay home and care for the kids.

I wouldn’t spend your cash, someone is going to need it for the next home, since you both can’t live in the same home.

Definitely get a good lawyer!

[Angela]

Re: Social Security
If close to the 10 year mark on marriage, don’t finalize until then. (Marriage date to divorce decree date)

If over the 10 year marriage mark, rigorously investigate Social Security impact before remarrying before 60.

[Meagan]

Print out copies of every single financial document you have access to. Bank balances, retirement balances etc.

Start a time log of your management of the properties.

Any proof you have of advertising, PM work etc.

Ensure any texts relating to your work – paid and not from your spouse saying thank you etc are saved and printed.

Interview and retain a bulldog attorney.

Ask for recommendations in a local Facebook group.

They’ll tell you who to go see.

[Kerri]

Start the documentation process:
-who provides care, takes the children to appointments, sports, etc.

use a calendar to really start tracking everything and use as evidence of your role with the children.

Keep copies of all children’s activity calendars.

-make copies of all statements for investment accounts, income tax paperwork, bank accounts, etc.

-sit down and document the infidelity in writing. Have copies of whatever you can for back up such as text messages, phone records, etc.

-Type up a summary of all assets, debts, and accounts of the lawyer to review

-you may want to get a PO Box to have certain mail of yours forwarded or directed to

-secure all passwords and email addresses

[Laura]

I went through a divorce 12 years ago. I came here to say, you and your children WILL get through this.

There IS life (a great one) on the other side.

You will be angry, sad and lonely at times, but you will be stronger than ever.

Good luck and be good to yourself

[Bill]

The number one mistake most women make is prioritizing the house and trading too much away to keep living there.

That goes 10x when your income is low and the mortgage is large.

As for preparing, I wouldn’t be making big financial moves other than saving up some cash.

Every state splits marital property roughly 50/50 including retirement accounts, so you are going to have assets eventually.

The big question is going to be alimony laws in your state.

You may need to prioritize finding a job that pays the bills.

[Megan]

Have a lawyer put together a VERY comprehensive parenting plan. You can’t anticipate changes that your kids will need down the line and you’ll be bound to whatever you decide unless he’s willing to change it. Good luck!

[Sandy]

Unfortunately, if you put your family first, you always get screwed in a divorce.

I’m sorry.

Make copies of all accounts, even if your name is not on it.

You need the balances and any list you can find of charges that were spent on extra marital affairs.

Start interviewing lawyers.

Will depend on your state as to what you are entitled to.

Be careful of things like taxes, and who owes how much on what.

Have a place you can put important items so they don’t disappear.

[Lara]

Select an attorney after consulting several, draw up your game plan with them.

Step 2 is to establish your support system and know who you can rely on for the long journey, family, friends, etc who will be there for emotional support, a good therapist too.

Step 3 is to shore up your income (discuss timing with your attorney).

[Author]

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