[Frankie]

Please tell me all the things as a woman who is going through a divorce what are things you wish you would have included in your divorce that you didn’t get or things that you did include and you are very glad you did that.

my home is paid off and so is my vehicle. I am 47 years old with four children, two still at home.

[Tony]

I’m not a woman, but I will say; try and be fair and realistic. If a mediator tells you that you are asking for way more than the court will award, it may be true.

Example; my ex wanted 100% of my 401k because I “could earn more later”.

Not realistic.

50%? Realistic and what the judge awarded.

The longer and more you fight, the more the attorneys get.
Advocate for yourself and your children, but “going after as much as I can get” can and does backfire at times.

All I’m saying is; start at 50% of all assets and go from there to see what’s realistic, from the courts angle.

[Catherine]

Get the book “Mariages End. Families Dont. Divorce Wisely.” by Suzanne Grandchamp.

She goes over everything. (She was my divorce attorney and I am sitting pretty.)

[Erin]

All I’ll say is DO NOT feel bad for asking for or requesting what you want or think is fair.

I felt like I didn’t want to be mean or take too much from him and I got nothing.

And I realized after all the emotions settled (about a year later) that I didn’t advocate for myself because I was trying to be nice.

You deserve all the things you think are fair.

Trust me. Time does help.

[Michelle]

I had put in that he was to obtain a life insurance policy with the kids as beneficiaries

[Sarah]

Not something I wish I would have included but check / change your tax status asap.

My lawyer didn’t mention it and we divorced the last court day of the year, so I was withholding at married all year but had to file single and got hit with a big bill.

[Aisha]

I read this recently from someone whose gone through a divorce: regarding the kids expenses – make sure you have an agreement in paper on paying for college and for their weddings

[Kirsten]

Say the quiet things loudly and make sure all the important things are in writing and signed.

Example – How will you be splitting college costs, if at all?

Put it in writing.

[Sarah]

having a section in the parenting agreement for acceptable school districts/ places for the parents to live.

I’ve seen too many times one parent buys a house in the current district only for the other parent to up and move an hour or more away (especially if they have family out of town / state) and then the other parent is left scrambling trying to figure it out.

[Jennifer]

Try to settle with a mediator to save legal fees. Spell out everything! I lost my dog (mine prior to marriage) bc I didn’t realize that if it wasn’t stated then it automatically stayed property of whomever had it at the time of settlement.

I didn’t realize a dog was equal to furniture.

[Elizabeth]

I’ve never divorced (never married 🤷‍♀️) but here are things that I’ve seen matter for others:

– emotional labor in the parenting plan.

All of the invisible work needs to be made visible, and if one parent was doing it all, it needs to be equitably distributed moving forward.

If you’re the only one doing laundry for the kids, scheduling appointments, buying supplies for school projects, etc., that’s not super fair.

– write in that 529 plans need to be protected for college (and considered contributions on both parents’ parts for the money contributed during marriage and its growth).

I’ve seen someone whose ex drained them for other things because they were in his name, and now the financial burden is much more significant in her.

– I’ve also seen people who didn’t realize their ex had a pension they had a claim to until after papers were finalized.

Make sure that’s not the case.

– I’ve seen a couple of scenarios where the husband offered to keep the Roth accounts and give her the traditional “for simplicity” (because it required less splitting of accounts).

That’s a hard no.

I’m sure there are other things, but these are just a few highlights that come to mind!

[Kristi]

Get a general idea in writing of what “child support” pays for. I’ve been divorced 11 years now and his favorite saying is..”that’s what child support pays for”.

He pays very little for 3 kids and refuses to give me anything extra other than 1/2 of medical.

He won’t help with their gas or money for car repairs for their cars either, even though he has them drive them all over on his time too.

Get it in writing.

[Terri]

An agreement on how you both will pay for college. Be specific.

We agree to contribute $x amount of dollars per month to a 529 for each child and then split the cost of in state tuition plus room and board.

And, if you doubt their ethics at all, you be the owner of the 529.

I had this written in otherwise he wouldn’t pay for college and would have liquidated a 529 to pay for a car.

Luckily, I’m the 529 owner and said absolutely no.

Last note- I NEVER would have thought my ex would be so stingy about college.

We had a relatively amicable divorce. But he has a new wife and is more focused on their good life than be financially responsible to fund college.

[Jana]

I had two kids at home too.. Since my ex is a veteran he was able to buy his new home with a VA loan no down payment, so while we appraised the family home at the time of divorce, I didn’t have to refinance/buy him out until both kids graduated high school.

That allowed the kids to keep their bedrooms/minimize change in they’re daily routines.

[Teresa]

I asked for a splitting of medical costs. The award was the first $250 was on me but split 50/50 for everything after that.

This included OTC items as well.

It certainly helps, never know what’s ahead.

[Dawn]

One thing is love your kids more than you dislike each other. Be crystal clear on expenses and decision making for things that may impact them.

Keep communication open for kids sake, even things like vacations and gifts.

Be consistent and avoid parenting differences where your children will play you against each other.

Make sure you think strategically about your 5-10-15 year plan and keep your finances split evenly and discuss taxes and who claims which children if under age.

[Becky]

Compensation for discrepancies in our retirement accounts. I didn’t even ask for it, the judge pointed it out and advocated for me and that really helped me get caught up and invest more in myself.

[Author]

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