[USER]

Divorced Mom of one 9 year old daughter.

I am 30 years old.

I make 42K a year.

We currently live with my boyfriend of 4 years in his 500k home. Two new car leases are in his name and each payment is around $600. In exchange I give him every single dollar I make and he provides everything we need and want (within reason of course).

He makes 100k and over.

His only debt is the cars, house, and IRS for $25K. He is making payments on that.

My 401K contribution is only 1%

My company will match up to 6%

My boyfriend already does so much for us but I also want to contribute to my future.

It would be silly to depend on anyone for your retirement.

I have no credit card debt, student loans, car loans. Nothing. My credit is at 800.

I have 12k in the bank which will probably increase closer to 20k next year between my tax return and some money my ex husband contributes for our daughter.

I really would feel awful to ask my boyfriend to accept less monthly to increase my 401k to 6%.

I was wondering what I should do with the money I have saved…and how to increase to 6%.

The money I have saved is what I had before cohabitation with my boyfriend who said I can keep it.

Any other income ideas other than another job? Internet opportunities?

I also keep up this home myself. My boyfriend does not make a meal, clean, do laundry, grocery shop. Nothing outside of work. I like to think I contribute by also making sure I take care of things at home but it does take time which takes me away from another job. I keep things in tip top shape always and I wait on him hand and foot because I know I would not have this lifestyle without him and would possibly struggle. There’s alot of appreciation and love.

My boyfriend is 41 years old and is also thinking about retirement. His work does not offer a 401k. Social security is never enough. With our 11 year age gap he is obviously due to retire first. I want him to be good as well. Things between us may progress and there is excess income between the both of us. Just not sure when that time comes what to do with it?

[Russ]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news even though everything seems rosy in your relationship front. But you legally have no protection from one day this scenario going sideways.

I’m all for a happy love story. In this case you are totally financially dependent upon him with the exception of the $12k you have from a previous relationship 4 years ago. A good portion of women would look at this scenario as he’s the bread winner and providing for us financially. They may be happy with that. They may also be married and have legal protection under the law. Even in that case I have always stressed women should have what I call mad money so they can walk away if necessary.

I envision in this scenario your boyfriend is increasing his wealth, probably using a portion of your paycheck to pay the IRS and probably funneling funds to some kind of retirement fund even if he doesn’t have a 401k if he is seriously thinking of retirement. He seems bright enough to handle certain things and I wouldn’t be surprised if the above isn’t one of them.

You need a plan of action. Tell him that you want to increase your contribution to your 401K. He can’t possibly get mad at that. Then you put your savings in a high yield savings account. With $12k in that now, you should be able to get about $40-$50 a month in interest alone. See about earning more money at your job if possible or look for another higher paying job.

I know that there is now way that bill will be shared equally. Especially if YOU are looking at it as he’s paying for two people to his one (you and your daughter wanting for nothing). However their needs to be some kind of equity as life goes on. You need to provide for yourself and daughter independent of his good gestures if YOU are serious about this. Which I think you are with your post.

No one looks out for your future better than you with the exception of maybe well intentioned parents. What advice would you give to your adult daughter in the same scenario?

Good luck!

[Don]

The main problem is combining lives with someone to whom you are not married. Yer doing a lot of BS trying to fix something that isn’t the problem. Not to be mean just forward. Your life your choice.

[David]

This is a huge red flag. Letting you keep 1% of your paycheck for your 401k is garbage at best. This is borderline financial abuse. What you need to remember is if he chooses to end the relationship you have no equity in the house, minimal savings, and hardly any retirement to speak of. (1% isn’t gonna do shit, sorry for the language but I’m just being honest and blunt so you might hear me).

What you need to remember is he would have this mortgage regardless if you lived there or not. You are building his equity in HIS house by giving him your paycheck while you get to keep peanuts.

Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t pay anything. But it needs to be realistic. If your take home is 42k a year, I would pay a fixed percentage say 25% of your take home pay. Same goes for the leases. Did you choose those cars, or did he?

Again, its another asset you are paying for but will not get to keep. (Leases are terrible btw but that is neither here nor there) You really need to have a serious conversation with him about your current financial situation.. If he gets upset, I would immediately begin planning your exit because this is not normal.

I’m truly sorry you are going through this, and I really hope you are able to see how something is not adding up in hopes you won’t regret this situation years down the road.

[Clara]

Please look out for yourself. The fact that you’re not married makes this all even more complicated. There is literally no guarantee that he won’t walk away tomorrow and leave you with nothing.

This isn’t a traditional lifestyle. I can see the narrative of “he provides everything so least I can do is take care of the house”, but in this case, you’re providing too. You’re doing everything and don’t get to see the financial reward of your hard work, and that could hurt not only yours but also your child’s future. Even in married couples I find the situation problematic – if you work, you have a say in where your money goes, period – but in non married couples? No, simply forget about it.

[Sara]

Not to add to this, but as a couples therapist I just want to know why it’s difficult to raise this topic with your partner. What gets in your way? What’s the feared response/reaction? How likely is that to occur? Are you able to have hard conversations with him?

If not, maybe a couples therapist could help you navigate those conversations- because what I think I’m hearing here is that you know you want/need to contribute more to your retirement but you’re scared of asking/telling him. Which sounds like a.

Big power differential btwn you. I hope, for your sake and your daughter’s, that one way or another you find a power balance within your chosen family that works for you and where your needs and your voice is welcome.

[Author]

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