[USER]

My parents are struggling financially and I am trying to understand what their long-term situation could become.

Dad is retired military (10 years ago with about 30 years in, so his pension is pretty decent) with additional 100% disability. Mom has only ever worked retail. They never saved, never budgeted, and always relied heavily on credit cards.

About 5 years ago, Mom got tired of the struggle and got all the cards paid off completely (they still carried auto/RV loans). Last year, they bought their first-ever home (VA loan) and Dad insisted on taking over the finances. Since then, things have spiraled. He won’t show or discuss anything. If she asks, he tells her to shut up or to get back in the kitchen (it’s like that with them). She has managed to find five new credit cards so far, plus a 30k solar panel loan. He didn’t pay the trash bill for two months and she only found out because the truck wouldn’t take their cans anymore.

Their marriage is unhealthy to the point of volatile. Unfortunately, leaving is not a choice she is willing to make, period. I have encouraged her to set boundaries, to consider where her line in the sand is, go to therapy even if he won’t, etc. She refuses to do anything to fix her own situation, and that’s her (sad) choice and that’s fine, but I do wonder what this future looks like for them. She told me today she is concerned they won’t be able to pay their mortgage soon, and that he won’t even have the decency to tell her.

She started a minimum wage, part time job at the mall last month. I recommended she put that money into an account with only her name on it, not as a secret from him but as a rainy day fund. She shook her head point blank and said that would be “like separating.”

Are there any baby steps she can take to manage this dumpster fire, or maybe to at least make sure she can be notified of major events? I suspect she will refuse to freeze her credit (he is likely putting things in either/both their names). How bad does this have to be to reach the point of bankruptcy? They did that back in the 90s. This is not my business and I stay out as much as possible, but they have literally no one beyond me and my idiot brother so things leak through on occasion.

[Shannon]

Respectfully, has dad been evaluated by a neurologist?

[Nicole]

This is point blank financial abuse. What are their ages?

[Kristin]

Maybe she won’t take the step of freezing her credit, etc, right now, but I wonder if you sat with her and ran a credit report and helped her go through it to see exactly what he has done behind her back, if it would help put things in perspective for her? She may need to see how many accounts are open, exactly what they owe and how many late payments they have, what their credit score looks like, etc, in order to fully understand the gravity of the situation.

This would also give you an opportunity to see just exactly how bad things really are, so you could adjust the urgency of your advice to fit the situation… because, seriously, if he has dug them a big enough hole that they could potentially lose their house, then they need to figure some things out pretty quick.

Good luck. So sorry you’re stuck in the middle of this. She really needs to leave him if this is his normal personality. If this is something new, then he needs a psych eval.

Proposed: What is your frugal win for the week? Mine is paying off another credit card

[Michelle]

I’d see if you and your spouse can start a sinking fund. My sister and I know my dad isn’t planning for his future so we aren’t excessively burdened later.

[Colleen]

Can you get the mortgage to be an automatic withdrawal from his bank the day he gets his pension or social security? That will likely save the house – your biggest concern.

Can you get a Power of Attorney from your mom – so you can freeze her credit?

She may be willing to let you help her with this, as long as she can continue to put her earnings into the join account.

If the house is in both their names, you might be able to arrange the payment if you have the POA.

[Heather]

Not sure if it will help much but anything that goes through the post office will show up on informed delivery it’s free to sign up.

[Ryan]

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

With fathers pension and disability zero reason they should be struggling so bad outside of being financially irresponsible. Depending on his age he may be coming down with a condition which could explain the behavior, a psychological evaluation might be a good idea to look into.

[Joel]

What an awful situation!

Frankly, I suck at dealing with these kinds of conflicts both personally and for advice.

I keep coming to:
Your Mom really needs to step up and force a change!
– Freezing her credit.
– Run a credit report on her and him
– Lay out some divorce Paperwork
– Doctor Evaluation (assuming this is unusual behavior)

This is definitely financial abuse and can be devastating for both of them.
Wish I had better advice….

[Annie]

If there’s not some new and neurological issue with the husband, I would be suggesting to my mom that she escape this abusive (both verbally and financially), relationship and use all the resources afforded to her to start a new life. At their age, people don’t change and it isn’t just going to get better. I’m sorry.

That is truly a sad situation.

[Darci]

All red flags……Dad may have some hidden things going on. And your mom is in denial.
Hard situation to be in.

Unfortunately if she’s gonna let it happen you’ll just have to watch it unfold.

Maybe see if she will go to therapy.

[Sharon]

Please take steps to start the process of taking care of your parent’s finances. Missing a bill two months in a row is a sign of trouble. With your dads’ veterans care, he can see a neurologist, etc… It sounds as if something is amiss. I am sorry to say this.

Please lock mom and dad’s credit and list yourself as a first alert if insurances are not being paid. Trash pickup halted is inconvenient but car or home owners insurance lapsing can be very problematic.

Wishing you all the best.

[Carrie]

To answer your question, she should be able to pull up their credit report if she has both of their social security numbers. She can figure out their income via last year’s taxes. Know how much they owe and their income should give her a pretty good picture. After that it’s up to her to discuss stuff with your dad and her next steps. She can always freeze her credit so your dad can’t take out more loans in her name.

If nothing else, she might want to talk to your dad about getting her paycheck as cash so she can use it for groceries and gas so more cc isn’t run up.

[Author]

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